"Trade you my Gary Coleman for your Erik Estrada."

I'm gonna tell you a little story. I was at Target the other day and bought this packet of trading cards. These trading cards were unlike most trading cards, in that the subject was not sport, but celebrity. The package came with 6 packs of cards and a special autograph bonus. I humored myself and bought it. Soon after opening, I heavily regretted spending $10 on it. Upon further inspection of my purchase, I realized it was hilarious and well worth it. I acquired collectible trading cards that I'm suuuuuuure will be a valuable investment. In the luck of the draw, I received the trading cards of many many many famous and successful celebrities, such as: Kathie Lee Gifford, Brandon Molale, Bonnie Piesse, John Cusack, Gary Coleman [which is worth a pretty penny (really though, just one shiny penny)], Barry Watson, Molly Sims, Raven-Symone, and more. There were three items that stood out in this collection. The third being an official Ian Buchanan autograph card (who has been on like 12 soap operas). The second was an official Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake autograph card (who was some wrestler). As far as I am concerned, the crown-jewel of my $10 purchase was a Jared Leto trading card. The "stats" on the back of the card made the corners of my mouth go up and my nose crinkle.



Jared Lucien Leto

Birthday: December 25
Hometown: Arcadia, AK
Star Sign: Capricorn

Cause: abeautifullie.org

Secret: It wouldn't be a secret if I told you.
Quote: The world would be a better place if... "we didn't politicize faith."
Favorite movie: Atanarjuat
book: The Art of War by Sun Tzu
place: 29° 59' N, 31° 09' E
thing: cyclotron
sport: spelunking
food: acai

If Jared Leto's level of douche was ever in question, this trading card has provided concrete proof that he is in fact a tremendous Massengill. There is nothing I hate worse than some asshat making the most outlandish statements just because they think it is cool, with no real comprehension or depth.

Exhibit A: abeautifullie.org. I googled this and it's some crap about global warming and icebergs or some crap. Ok, I am all about walking instead of driving, conserving resources and all that. But do we really need this snatchblast trying to raise funding to tell us that global warming is happening? We get it, we all have CNN and FOX. Jared, please concentrate your efforts into making excellent music and movies with Lindsay Lohan. Furthermore, isn't jetsetting all over the world in your private plane bad for the environment?? Or what about all the gas used to transport people to horrible 30 Seconds to Mars concerts? Is that very eco-friendly? Hmmmm?
Maybe the best way to start reducing your carbon footprint is to break up your crap-band and sit your ass at home.

Exhibit B: "It wouldn't be a secret if I told you..." Ohhh Jared, everyone already knows you're gay. You did go out with Lohan. This is a little known fact, but if you are around Lohan too long, your number on the Kinsey scale sharply jumps to a 4, 5, or 6. Samantha Ronson was actually straight before she started hangin' with Lindsay. True story.

Exhibit C: The world would be a better place if... "we didn't politicize faith." After reading that sentence I need to do two things: 1. agree with Bill O'Reilly on something and 2. vomit (no preference for order).

Exhibit D: Atanarjuat. No comment. Do I even need to say a damned thing?

Exhibit E: The Art of War by Sun Tzu. Oh yes, I can just see Jared Leto devouring ancient books about tactical warfare all the live-long day. In his down time between carbon-patrol and spelunking of course. Ass.

Exhibit F: 29° 59' N, 31° 09' E. I'm just going to assume this is somewhere that is Taliban-friendly. Since everything this man has said is highly suspect. McCarthyism never sounded so good as it does now.

Exhibit G: Cyclotron. I'm not even going to bother googling this. Instead I'm just going to assume it's some really expensive dildo contraption that simultaneously scrapes your anus and pinches your t'aint until it bleeds like crazy.

Exhibit H: spelunking. I'm sure you do like to explore caves, Jared. Tight, warm, brown caves to be exact. You cavernous cave grappler, you. The next time you indulge in some spelunking, I hope the experience resembles The Descent.

Exhibit I: acai. Couldn't you have just said grapes? Or pizza? Just to give a somewhat normal answer. Just once.

My Favorites of 2009

As we enter a new decade, I've been thinking about the direction that my life is going and what areas of personal growth I need to focus on. I really need to stop being so self-centered. I need to start putting others in front of myself. I need to be more honest to others. I've also been thinking about how I look. However tired a resolution it may be, I have promised myself to eat healthier and exercise more. I'm going to start using my recyclable bags when I go grocery shopping, conserve more water, and try to save more money/spend less. Who knows how many of these I will keep up with... but I will try to be unyielding in these endeavors for self-improvement.

Listed below are some of my favorite songs from 2009. I ask that you please refrain from ripping my labia majora off if some of the songs are from a previous year. These are just the songs that I heard for the first time in 2009, listed in no particular order.

1. "Sabali" - Amadou and Miriam -- Every time I hear this song I get a funny feeling in my stomach. A good feeling. One of the prettiest songs I've ever heard.

2. "Caterpillar Playground" - Nurses -- I found out about this band when I was in Chicago over the summer. I like all the layers that they use in their songs. The CD reminds me of a cross between Animal Collective and CocoRosie.

3. "Shoes of Glass (KidStreet Remix)" - Valerie Gore -- Catchy.

4. "Pull My Heart Away" - Jack Penate -- My favorite album from 2009. Every song is so good. Also I would like to add that the Everything Is New CD had the best artwork booklet I've ever had come with a CD. The paper was really nice... heavy and glossy. The artwork was really pretty also. I love every song and sing out loud when listening to it in the car.

5. "Shelter (Them Jeans Drum Edit)" - The XX -- One of my new favorite bands. This song is so sexy and understated. It is just a really subtle and catchy song. I love the breathy vocals. I read somewhere that they went from a 4 piece band to a 3 piece. Hopefully they will stay together because they are really good.

6. "You Got the Love (XX Remix) - Florence + the Machine -- Really nice remix. Love it. Sexy. "You got the love, you got the love, youuuu got the love." "When food is gone you are my daily meal."

7. "She Came Along (Feat. Kid Cudi)" - Sharam -- This song is so good. I love Patsy Cline and this is a good incorporation of her song into this. Good song to dance to. Or maybe not. I feel like I dance to songs that most people wouldn't normally dance to.

8. "Blue Skies (Twelves Remix)" - Noah and the Whale -- The Twelves are another band that I first heard of this year. All of their remixes are top notch. Their original songs are also nothing to spit at.

9. "Buttons (CSS Remix)" - Sia -- So so so catchy. "I am no good for you. I'm seeing ghosts in everything I do."

10. "Good ol' Fashion Rump Shaker (Beastie Boys vs. Matt & Kim)" - The Hood Internet -- A lot of people say this song is about me.

Statements from the song that are generally true:
   A. I rock a house party at the drop of a hat
   B. People they be Jonesin' just to hear me rock the mic
   C. Routines I bust, rhymes I write
   D. I'm on time homie that's how it goes (I pride myself on showing up in a timely manner, ok?)

   E. I'm the mackinest

Statements that are not congruent with my findings:
   A. I got a boat to eat shrimp in
   B. Nothing wrong with my leg just B-boy limpin'
   C. Got arrested at the Mardi Gras for jumping on a float
   D. I beat a biter down with an aluminum bat (I generally am a pacifist... I PASS-A- FIST, get it?)

11. "Rockin' That Shit" - The Dream -- I unapologetically, unequivocally, unashamedly, absolutely FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG. You will see me blasting the speakers of my car out to this tune, thank you very much. Most likely I will sing along, whilst leaning toward the center of the car, with my seat back, and my left hand at noon on the wheel. I don't want to hear your opinion on that, hater. I am bad, because for whatever reason, after the line "There's nothing I can say," I always add in "There's nothing I can do." I can't break myself of the habit. I think they should add that line it because it fits. For reals.

12. "Kiss Me Thru the Phone" - Soulja Boy -- I don't really know what a Souljaboy is. The name brings to my mind the image of an 8 year old with an AR-15 in a conflicted 3rd world country. But maybe that's what they were going for, who knows. Anyway, this is a really cute song, despite the fact that the guy probably just misses her because he wants to bang the shit out of her lady parts with his disco stick (Gaga, lol). My favorite part is "Six, Seven, Eight, Triple Nine, Eight, Two, One, Twoooooo."

13. "Too Much Time" - John Vanderslice -- I like slow songs. This one is really pretty. It's about love and longing or some bullshit, hahaha. I'm such a jaded asshole it's not even funny. Ehhh. Yeah. It’s funny. 

14. "Stay This Way" - Peter Bjorn & John -- This song is different than anything I've heard in a while. I like it. Or maybe I just like any song with snapping fingers or handclaps. That's a weakness I have.

15. "1901" - Phoenix --  Phoenix is and has been my favorite band since 2003, when I first heard "Too Young" while watching Lost in Translation. I have since loved each album they've made, and finally got to see them on December 8th, 2009 in Pontiac. Shortly after turning 22, I never felt so old as I did when I went to this concert. I knew every song off their older albums while the majority of the people around me only knew songs from Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. A true fan would know when Phoenix covered "Playground Love" by AIR but most of the attendees did not. This chick next to me said, "this song sounds familiar," to the guy standing next to her. HA! Bitch plz. This is the only band that I am fanatical about. I will honestly admit that I am pretty ignorant when it comes to most bands, but not Phoenix. Holllerrrr.

16. "Lasso" - Phoenix -- I would also like to add that it took a while for this album to grow on me. At first I was hesitant about the new sound, but then I realized that no one Phoenix album sounds like the last. That is probably why I like Phoenix so much, because they have the ability to do something different with each album and make me fall in love all over again.

17. "Heads Will Roll" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs -- Really really catchy song. This also happens to be one of two of my favorite music videos this year. The other one is below.

18. "She-Wolf" - Shakira -- Song is catchy and fun. Video is HOTTT (with 3 T's - this has only happened once before). The video also looks like it partly takes place in a fallopian tube.

19. "Promiscuous With You (Nelly Furtado vs. M.J.)" - Party Ben -- This DJ has some really really cool mashups. I first heard him this year. Download "Single Ladies (In Mayberry)" if you want to hear something spectacularly funny.

20. "Shame (At Night) [Kid Cudi vs. Evelyn Chamagne King]" -- Party Ben took a good song and turned it into an even better song that's funky and a little disco.

21. "Laughing with a Mouthful of Blood" - St. Vincent -- Unique. I really like the vocals.

22. "Knocked Up (Rodeo Mashup)" - Kings of Leon vs. Lykke Li -- I just like all the layers in this song.

23. "Secret (Demo)" - Friend -- "Are you done mixing yet?" Another good song to dance to. Funk x 2.

24. "My Maudlin Career" - Camera Obscura -- I really like the guitars and the all-encompassing vocals.

25. "Sweet Disposition" - The Temper Trap -- Almost as sweet as the singer's voice in the intro.

26. "Kenya Dig It?" - The Ruby Suns -- Another unique song.


 Honorable mentions (songs I could not locate on playlist.com):

"Way Down" - N.A.S.A. Feat. RZA, Barbie Hatch & John Frusciante
"Use Somebody (RAC Remix)" - Kings of Leon
"Can't Shake Your Love" - The Knocks
"Good to Go" - Deep Red