I'm gonna tell you a little story. I was at Target the other day and bought this packet of trading cards. These trading cards were unlike most trading cards, in that the subject was not sport, but celebrity. The package came with 6 packs of cards and a special autograph bonus. I humored myself and bought it. Soon after opening, I heavily regretted spending $10 on it. Upon further inspection of my purchase, I realized it was hilarious and well worth it. I acquired collectible trading cards that I'm suuuuuuure will be a valuable investment. In the luck of the draw, I received the trading cards of many many many famous and successful celebrities, such as: Kathie Lee Gifford, Brandon Molale, Bonnie Piesse, John Cusack, Gary Coleman [which is worth a pretty penny (really though, just one shiny penny)], Barry Watson, Molly Sims, Raven-Symone, and more. There were three items that stood out in this collection. The third being an official Ian Buchanan autograph card (who has been on like 12 soap operas). The second was an official Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake autograph card (who was some wrestler). As far as I am concerned, the crown-jewel of my $10 purchase was a Jared Leto trading card. The "stats" on the back of the card made the corners of my mouth go up and my nose crinkle.
Jared Lucien Leto
Birthday: December 25
Hometown: Arcadia, AK
Star Sign: Capricorn
Cause: abeautifullie.org
Secret: It wouldn't be a secret if I told you.
Quote: The world would be a better place if... "we didn't politicize faith."
Favorite movie: Atanarjuat
book: The Art of War by Sun Tzu
place: 29° 59' N, 31° 09' E
thing: cyclotron
sport: spelunking
food: acai
If Jared Leto's level of douche was ever in question, this trading card has provided concrete proof that he is in fact a tremendous Massengill. There is nothing I hate worse than some asshat making the most outlandish statements just because they think it is cool, with no real comprehension or depth.
Exhibit A: abeautifullie.org. I googled this and it's some crap about global warming and icebergs or some crap. Ok, I am all about walking instead of driving, conserving resources and all that. But do we really need this snatchblast trying to raise funding to tell us that global warming is happening? We get it, we all have CNN and FOX. Jared, please concentrate your efforts into making excellent music and movies with Lindsay Lohan. Furthermore, isn't jetsetting all over the world in your private plane bad for the environment?? Or what about all the gas used to transport people to horrible 30 Seconds to Mars concerts? Is that very eco-friendly? Hmmmm?
Maybe the best way to start reducing your carbon footprint is to break up your crap-band and sit your ass at home.
Exhibit B: "It wouldn't be a secret if I told you..." Ohhh Jared, everyone already knows you're gay. You did go out with Lohan. This is a little known fact, but if you are around Lohan too long, your number on the Kinsey scale sharply jumps to a 4, 5, or 6. Samantha Ronson was actually straight before she started hangin' with Lindsay. True story.
Exhibit C: The world would be a better place if... "we didn't politicize faith." After reading that sentence I need to do two things: 1. agree with Bill O'Reilly on something and 2. vomit (no preference for order).
Exhibit D: Atanarjuat. No comment. Do I even need to say a damned thing?
Exhibit E: The Art of War by Sun Tzu. Oh yes, I can just see Jared Leto devouring ancient books about tactical warfare all the live-long day. In his down time between carbon-patrol and spelunking of course. Ass.
Exhibit F: 29° 59' N, 31° 09' E. I'm just going to assume this is somewhere that is Taliban-friendly. Since everything this man has said is highly suspect. McCarthyism never sounded so good as it does now.
Exhibit G: Cyclotron. I'm not even going to bother googling this. Instead I'm just going to assume it's some really expensive dildo contraption that simultaneously scrapes your anus and pinches your t'aint until it bleeds like crazy.
Exhibit H: spelunking. I'm sure you do like to explore caves, Jared. Tight, warm, brown caves to be exact. You cavernous cave grappler, you. The next time you indulge in some spelunking, I hope the experience resembles The Descent.
Exhibit I: acai. Couldn't you have just said grapes? Or pizza? Just to give a somewhat normal answer. Just once.
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